I’m confident in stating that I’ve been to far more bachelorette parties than anyone else in Arkansas. It’s not even close. I wrote a book about my experiences with Arkansas bachelorettes (as well as birthday girls) and their girlfriends. This was an excellent way for me to earn money, explore the state, and get out of the house on Friday and Saturday nights. Instances of drama and headaches notwithstanding, my overall experience as a bachelorette party entertainer was a positive one with no regrets.
Due to my vast experience, I’m an authority on bachelorette parties and unabashedly opinionated on the subject. “But you’re a guy,” will sneer odious women from a proudly narrow worldview. That’s right. I’m a guy who’s been to more bachelorette parties than you can shake an inflatable cucumber at, case in point. A connoisseur of crudités, charcuterie, and mini quiches. Of malt beverages and penis-shaped cake. Far from being pretty and dumb, my success depended heavily on charm, intellect, humor, and leadership. I also used my performances to collect data on my target demographic. You can learn a lot about a woman by what she has posted on her refrigerator. I know what makes for a truly fun and exciting bachelorette party experience for all involved.
As with any event, the right aesthetics are crucial to the mood and atmosphere. For bachelorette parties, this entails a vibe of adults-only fun and playfulness. One of naughtiness and good-natured mischief that reveals one of society’s great lies: That women, as a whole, are delicate flowers who detest sex. This is patently false, and every act of white knighting committed in history has been for naught. Women can be as crude and vulgar as men – sometimes more so – and prove this often given the appropriate time and place. Like at a bachelorette party. Black and hot pink are the perfect color combo representation of feminine sleaze. A mix that also plays gloriously with zebra print. And then all bets are off, baby.
That’s why I detest the attempt in recent years to change the bachelorette party colors to rose and gold. A cultural cuckolding of confident and fun-loving girls by their insecure counterparts. The latter exploiting the inherent goodness of the former to gain company for their misery. Reinventing the bachelorette party as a second – and therefore redundant – bridal shower packing all the sterility of most Instagram photos. Rose and gold are fine for a bridal shower. A formal (sometimes to the point of being banal) pageant where gifts are given and generic pleasantries exchanged. Where masks are kept firmly in position.
The bachelorette party is an opportunity to drop them for a few hours before donning them again at the wedding. This event was conceived as a way for the bachelorette and her girlfriends to blow off steam. Not to wilt under additional disingenuous social pressures. And on that note, it appears that the desexualization of the bachelorette party is an attempt to turn women into delicate flowers. This will never work and is likely to drive women to engage in truly deplorable behavior.
But it’s not too late, party girls. The bachelorette party is YOUR party, and you’ll do what you want to (hopefully not cry). Don’t let these other women be the boss of you. They’re not good enough to be the boss of anyone. And they are under no obligation to attend any bachelorette party. Much less pin a cucumber on a stud or do Cockiavelli knows what else. And that’s cool. Those women shouldn’t be pressured into doing anything they don’t want to do. Conversely, you don’t have to put up with their uptight nonsense. Rock on in all your black and hot pink glory. Extra points for incorporating zebra print.
Don’t turn adult funtime into an uptight second bridal shower. Be naughty girls if just for a night. And maybe I’ll cum.